Now when something pops into my head that is not essay worthy, I will put it here.

Another Reason I Don't Fit in the Modern Workplace

Platypus was annoyed at me cause I am so darn good at my job. We have a lot of systems to make sure everything gets done according to schedule.

They inspected one of my floors and they couldn't find anything wrong and saying "Hey great job, continue to be awesome," isn't a very good de-motivational technique, so they had to get creative. I got feedback like "empty paper towel garbage can" or "clean mirrors." I don't think they quite understand how a bathroom works. It's the room where people go to poop and pee and not the room to go and admire the shinny mirrors, a clean floor and an empty garbage can.

Platypus I must remind you that some water marks on the mirror and paper towels in the garbage is a good thing - it means people are washing their hands after the aforementioned pooping and peeing.

Yes Batteries are Required

I can tell you dear reader, the crisis of the Clock Situation has been solved so there is no need to call the Prime Minister. I picked up the clock and the dead battery, walked fifteen feet to the battery recycling box, found another AA battery, placed it in the clock and ta-da! (I felt the ta-da needed an exclaimation mark) the clock worked. I tossed the dead battery into the recycling box, set the time and hung the clock back on the wall and went back to my important work of cleaning the top of the microwave. Total time required to accomplish this feat of awesomeness? Thirty seconds but I am not sure cause, you know, the clock wasn't working.

Important lessons you can take away from this?

Don't leave things on top of the microwave.
Do it now!
You don't have to be very smart to work for the government, you just need to be proficient in both official languages.
The journey to the battery recycling box begins with a single step. And the about fourteen more steps.
My rate as a Clock Consultant is $750/day.

Needs and Wants

If you ever find yourself in a position to ask for something that is a need or a want, ask for a want. Relying on somebody for a need is a big mistake. If they fuck it up (and they probably will) the whole thing will probably end up costing YOU money.

Don't Eat Anything Your Grandmother Wouldn't Recognize As Food!

Kale can be junk food. Who knew?

Don't go to a restaurant (most of them) if you want a healthy meal. You have little control over the ingredients and prep. Go to a restaurant to enjoy a meal with friends.

I don't see a problem with the occasional (my definition of occasional is probably very different from other people's definition of occasional) over indulgence meal as long as you don't have any medical conditions that are going to aggravate an existing condition.

If you want a healthy meal, prepare it yourself.

Traffic Control is Not a Sting Operation

Today the police were lecturing pedestrians (me included) for crossing Scott and Preston on a green light but when the 'don't walk' sign was flashing, citing that pedestrians were affecting cars trying to turn left onto Albert.

I think we can all agree that nobody wants to get hit by a car.

My beef is that if you want to discourage rogue pedestrians perhaps you should not lurk in the shadows, sitting in your warm police cruiser 30 feet away from the intersection and then lecture people after the fact. It might be in everybody's best interest to get out of your warm police cruiser and stand at the intersection and direct traffic instead. After all, one element of law enforcement is crime prevention.

19th Century F-Bombs Are Funny

Okay, Anna in the audiobook, stop being so funny when you don't mean to be funny. No wait, continue to be unfunny.

It's 1883 NYC and Anna is reluctantly going to the Vanderbilt's ball. She's not happy with the cut of her gown.
Anna: My two loaves are about to pop out of the oven.

I rewound my audiobook like 10 times because she quoted some German word that sounded like fuckinsleveld.
I think my new catch phrase will be "what the fuckinsleveld!"

Mister Skinny Jeans

Today I was walking behind Mr. Skinny Jeans and I was a little worried that a rivet from those skinny jeans might pop off and embed itself right into the centre of my forehead like a sniper's kill shot.

Then I thought that Mrs. Skinny Jeans is very patient because she lets him walk around in a pair of jeans two sizes too small because he really loves those jeans.

It's true, relationships are complicated.

It's a lot to think about.

Bad Minimalism Videos

I studied film and television production and worked in the industry for a number of years so I know what I'm talking about. Yeah, the technology has changed but the tried and true principles of filmmaking have not changed. Need help? There are tons of great how to videos on Vimeo!

1. Start the video with a cheezy yoga/spirituality greeting. Then speak in a whinny or overly sing song voice.

2. Record the video in an empty room so there is plenty of echo. Oh and shitty lighting. If you can't make everything dark, go for the jaundiced look.

3. It's all about you, so talk away, in fact ramble, for at least 15-20 minutes. Just you in front of a camera (or go selfie and video in front of the mirror). Don't even bother to prepare a list of points to cover. Also no reason to make your video interesting by adding some related footage.

4.LOTS of hand held shit. Tripods are so last decade. You paid $400 for a fucking Go Pro so pan around like a caffeinated squirrel.

5. Girls, if you have to explain your minimalist make up routine, it's not a minimalist make up routine.


Books I Wrote

Books I Read

Essays I Wrote

Portfolio of Techie Stuff I Wrote